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Stern German Lady: Revenge!

Dear Stern German Lady,

My friend has decided she can no longer tolerate my husband. She feels he doesn’t “respect” her. This is far from the truth, in my mind.

We are now banned from her social group. I find this very harsh — cruel even. I guess my friendship doesn’t count, as I’m being thrown out with the perceived trash as well. I’m depressed and angry, and I want some kind of revenge and to hurt her back.

I was so happy with our little group. Now it’s been taken away from me. Advice?

Tossed Aside in LA

Dear Tossed,

You say that you are depressed and angry for this betrayal and want revenge? Sounds like Witch Craft to me. I can provide assistance with this; sometimes God doesn’t answer all your prayers, sometimes your revenge against the witches will have to be your own creation.

It seems what was taken from you is a sense of community. To counter this you must stop her powers at the source.

First, most Social Witches have a cauldron of power located in their basement. This is because, while casting powerful spells, there is a tendency for getting eye of newt everywhere.  Entrance into the witch’s basement is typically done through the window. Witch’s windows will be smaller than normal to deter people from thinking they can just crawl in; but this is what you must do to reach the cauldron.

As I said, God cannot always be relied upon in to intervene in such trivial social matters; his attention is better directed towards the success of the crops, as you should well know. No, in order to handle a base matter with a witch, one must employ the tools of a witch.  But for the Lord.

Look inside the cauldron.  Is something bubbling, boiling, toiling, or otherwise moving in the depths?  If so, find a ladle and an empty bottle to take some for yourself.  If not, there should be an assortment of witches’ ingredients around: find and gather herbs, tonics, and as many devil’s toys as you can see (anything metal, or not explicitly for the harvest or storage of food).  With your bounty, leave and dump whatever you have into your sinful neighbor’s well.  Whatever she is doing with witchcraft is to bring harm to you and your reputation, so you shall turn it back on her and her family before she has a chance to use them on you any longer!

Afterwards, recite scripture while you till the soil.  You will need to guard against any lingering demonic energy on you from touching the cursed objects for the next seventy-seven hours, as you will be a beacon, glowing red to the eyes of one of Satan’s underlings. During this time, be sure to ignore any whispers taunting you with your sins, and do not make full eye contact with a goat for any reason. Your neighbor should be boiling from the inside out soon enough and you will be left in peace with your pious husband.

Für weitere Auskünfte stehe ich Ihnen gerne zur Verfügung,

Stern German Lady

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