Dear Stern German Lady,
I need your advice! Recently, I was told things I don’t know how to react to. Among them was, “Wow, your voice is deep,” and, “Your laugh sounds like a witch.” Most of the time I’m a happy-go-lucky person, but in the last few weeks I have been flickering from happy to sad and have no idea how I feel. It’s almost like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m wondering, is this a mental disorder? Or am I simply being silly?
Confused Teen in the South
Dear Confused Teen,
I am here to provide advice.
Can you recall during which moon your change occurred? If your answer is anything but a waxing crescent; you are becoming a creature of the night. What is happening to you is a sign of the end times and your place in Satan’s Army is currently being solidified. Your voice is lowering so that you may command the hordes of undead. Command them to claw their way out from the graves which they believed would forever be their fate and rise to bore into the flesh of humanity. With a single word: your friends, your family, all you love, will suffer a long and senseless death commanded by your unholy cry. You will no longer be able to sing Tenor.
Are you still unsure of what I say? Let me ask you this: When you laugh, do you laugh only at people falling, or getting hit in the genitals? I bet you do. Sinner! Your laugh is witchlike. Evil comes through even in acts of joy. Those who laugh witches are witches in my book (The Family Bible). If this was the 1300s I’d roll a boulder on you and be done for the day. The Golden Age of Witch Hunting, that. Make the world 1300 again, I say.
It makes me sick to see you write of mood swings for one more reason; you are happy about anything. I am only sad. Why? The wolves. They killed my husband, three of my sons, two of my daughters, and they still come for me EVERY NIGHT. It must be so nice to be able to ask yourself, “who am I?” The last question I asked was, “Why are the crops failing?” And God had no answer for my question, but I heard instead the unquestionable authority of His voice from my youngest son, “We will die this winter.”
You are no longer a child. Go outside and farm.
Für weitere Auskünfte stehe ich Ihnen gerne zur Verfügung,
Stern German Lady