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Dear Stern German Lady: Annoyed Sister

Dear Stern German Lady,

My older brother and son live with me. We are all adults, so we don’t need to ask each other’s permission before one of us leaves the house. Out of courtesy, I let them know where I’m going, who I’ll be with, and if I am likely to be out late. When I’m out, if I realize that I’ll be gone later than I thought, I text them. To me, this is common courtesy.
My brother and son say goodbye when they leave, but rarely volunteer any information about their plans. I hate to ask, because they are adults and it’s none of my business, but it just seems rude. I’m often startled when they come home late and I am awakened, until I know it’s them and not someone breaking in. If I wake up and they aren’t home, I worry. Am I right to expect them to tell me where they are going and if they will be late?

Annoyed Sister



Dear Annoyed Sister,

This is serious. Your brother and son, although leaving late, should have no reason to hide their whereabouts from you. Think of it like this, you are telling them your whereabouts because you are doing nothing wrong; thus if they are not telling you where they go, your kin must be up to evil things.

I suggest you follow them but come prepared for the worst; for dark things occur at dark hours. My best guess is that they are witches working toward bringing their dark lord into the world. Beelzebub, Baphomet, maybe even Azazel. If you go out tracking your kin, go with a blunderbuss loaded with your finest, and real, silverware. People say a silver fork will not hurt a dark beast, but those whom say that can say it to the demon horn I have mounted on my fireplace. For protection, get as many mini-Bibles as you can and sew them into your jacket. It will create a holy piece of blocky-armor that weighs a lot. With all the added material you will not be able to move and look around well. I suggest you find your target, rush in, and ask questions after the massacre.

German LadyDo this and you shall save your family; or they will die martyrs.

Für weitere Auskünfte stehe ich Ihnen gerne zur Verfügung,
Stern German Lady


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