The Bible Goes West
Sarai, Abraham, and Hagar; and The Great Brand of God
1 After these things, The Judge came to Abraham in a Fiery Vision, saying, Fear Not Abraham. I am they Shield, and thy exceeding great reward.
2 And Abraham Said, Judge God, What have you rewarded me, seeing as I am childless, people are thinking I cannot sire.
3 My ranch hands mock my lack of fruit, even though I have chosen them to carry on my work.
4 The word of the Judge went as follows, They are help and inherent they shall not; for he that shall come forth from your bowels shall be thy heir.
5 The Judge took Abraham out into a new and great field, saying, Look toward the heaven. Count the stars.
6 Abraham started to count. Upon reaching the number one-hundred-eight, God stopped Abraham as this rhetorical question and Abraham was too dumb to know it.
7 Judge God said, I have taken you from the great land of Cheyenne to show you this land I am giving to you.
8 Abraham said, How shall I know I inherit this land?
9 The Judge responded, Because I have just told you these lands are yours.
10 Did a heifer kick you in the head? Now leave this place and bring your family here. From this place all of the west shall get supplies.
11 Abraham said, what shall I call this land?
12 The Judge said, You shall call it Denver and it shall be a land of plenty.
13 But be warned you and your kin will be strangers in a land that is not theirs. Four generations shall you toil before the crops will be of decent weight.
14 Judge God vanished. Abraham walked home, preparing for another wagon ride into the west.
1 Now Sarai, Abraham’s wife bore him no children for her hips could carry no child; but she had a handmaid by the name of Hagar.
2 Sarai said to Abraham, Now look. The Judge has restrained me from bearing your seed. I suggest, if you require an heir, to take my maid and I shall just steal her children as my own.
3 Abraham, who had always fancied a polyamorous relationship, agreed.
4 Abraham spent ten days agreeing to his wife’s wishes. On the morning of the tenth day, Hagar vomited last night’s chuck. She was more pregnant then a breeding sow.
5 Upon learning this Sarai become jealous. She said unto Abraham, May the Judge punish you for your sin!
6 Abraham said, whoa, this was your idea! I am literally doing what you told me! If this angers you then take back your maid.
7 Sarai grabbed hold of Hagar and brought her behind the barn. The sounds of violence filled the air. Hagar, now with a child to protect fled from her mistress.
8 After fleeing Sarai and her seekers, a marshal of the Judge God found Hagar by a small pond in the wilderness, on way to Boulder.
9 He said to Hagar, Where do you think you are going?
10 Hagar responded, I am a slave and will not be beat again. My child will be born free and I shall be free as well.
11 The marshal pointed his gun at Hagar and said, Return to your mistress and submit to her hands.
12 Your mistress has your best interests at heart. She keeps you feed, clothed, and safe.
13 Hagar responded to the Marshal, No. I am on the run but I am free here; as is my son. And we intend not to return.
14 The Marshal laughed and moved to grab the arm of Hagar.
15 Hagar said, do not come closer or I shall unleash fire and lead into you.
16 Hagar pulled out a gun she had stolen from Abraham.
17 The Marshal said, you have not the guts to fire that cannon. Should you try you will probably fall back and break your skull.
18 The Marshal moved on Hagar but to his surprise she fired six bullets true into his belly. The sounds echoed through the wilderness.
19 Hagar knew the sound carried far and she continued to run into the unknown mountain range known has Freedom.
20 The Marshal was found hours after. His cries of pain frightened children.
21 His wounds has festered and turned black. There was no saving the Judge’s Marshal but he was to delirious to know.
22 He cried, save me, as the people of Abraham put the merciful bullet in his brain.
23 Abraham’s riders, from that day on, carried no slave. For even slave can wield the power and fury of the Judge God to strike against their master.
1 When Abraham was 99-years-old, the Judge God rode to the ranch and said, I am the judge of this territory. Walk with me.
2 And I will make a contract with you and your cattle dealings, and will multiply them greatly.
3 Abraham could not believe his ears, The Judge continued,
4 As For me, Behold, my covenant is with you and your kin. You shall be a man with many heads for sale.
5 So many, your children must leave your home to settle new land for the beasts of life.
6 This contract between me and you will be everlasting, and I will give you the lands next to the Rockies to fulfill this contract.
7 This is my request, for my blessing to your cattle ventures in this region; Every steer and heifer be branded.
8 You shall brand the rear of the beasts with hot iron once they have matured, every cow your claim.
9 Every cow born and bought.
10 Abraham said to the Judge, I will do this for you my lord but more cows are not my dream.
11 The Judge God looked at Abraham, confused and angered his blessing was not approved.
12 Abraham keep talking before the Judge could yell, I want a son to carry on my ranch.
13 The judge god understood the rancher’s dreams for he as well was without prodigy.
14 The Judge said to Abraham, If you complete your part of the contract I will give you a son.
15 Abraham said to God, But my wife cannot bare child for her hips are too small and she would die.
16 That is why I impregnated Hagar but she ran off to freedom. Alas I will be without son and heir.
17 The Judge said to Abraham, I will move things at the court house to make this happen.
18 You will have an heir but first you must work hard. Every bovine in your claim must have my mark.
19 Abraham spent the next year branding his cows. The work was hard and many of his hands did not have the endurance.
20 Abraham was powered by gods promise and beginning of the next cattle-drive Sarai was pregnant.
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