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The Bible Goes West: Sarai, Abraham and the Destruction of Boulder

 

Genesis 11

1 The Judge appeared on the hottest day of the year; and rode to the town of Cheyenne with two riders in cow-hide dusters. His speed so great, Tornados manifested in his absences and destroyed few farms and sent a young girl to faraway land.

2 Abraham lifted his head from the piles of cow patty and saw three men by him in the field. He wondered why they were standing with him in the fields of droppings.

3 Abraham said, Would you like to leave this field? I have been “blessed” with cattle and they just shit everywhere.

4 Abraham used air-quotes as  wide as the sky so his guests could visibly see the irony of his statement.

5 The Judge God said, I am the Judge you made contract with, boy. Now what did you want to say about being “blessed”?

6 The judge god pulled out two six-shooters to show Abraham if he used air-quotations again 12 bullets would enter is skull.

7 Abraham noticed the silver guns of the judge and apologized profusely.

8 He said, Let me throw feast for you, to make right your greeting from me.

9 The Judge God said, Where is your wife, Sarai? And Abraham said, In the main house.

10 The Judge said, Good. Take my two riders and slaughter us some meat for dinner. I am going to meet with your wife.

11 The Judge moved toward the house and Abraham, with The Judge’s two riders, entered the herd of cattle to find one for dinner.

12 Sarai was in the kitchen and looking mighty fine in the Judge’s opinion. He lingered on the lower half of her body.

13 The Judge God said, Mmmmm looks like your meat is ready for salting.

14 Sarai was startled. Last man to talk to her like that was a thief and she shot him. She asked, what is your business here, Horn Toad?

15 The Judge replied, I apologize. I am the Judge of this territory, I am here to give you child.

16 Sarai said to the Judge, I cannot have child and everyone in the valley knows that. I have taken the seed of Abraham, and a few of his hands, many times but to no avail.

17 The Judge said back, well I judged many a pig-breeding contest in this territory and I know that pig and human are different, but you are pregnant.

18 Sarai Laughed.

19 The Judge burst with anger, You laugh at my judgment? I am the Judge. For that I curse you to give birth to a real hell raiser.

20 You will constantly be dealing the misadventures of your offspring. Your child will fall into holes and swing sticks at bee’s nest. When you tell your offspring to stay clean they will become muddy and track it throughout the house. Have fun.

21 With that the Judge left Sarai’s house. Abraham and the Judge’s two hands were returning with a cow of great girth.

22 The Judge said to Abraham, Come here and leave my hands to dress and clean your meat. I must speak with you.

23 Abraham and the judge walked to a large hill and stared out of the valley.

24 The Judge said, I am going to destroy the city of Boulder. They are no good; man, woman, and child. I have placed box upon box of dynamite under the town and intend to kill them all.

25 Abraham gasped at the scope of the Judge’s destruction. He said, But lord, why?

26 The judge said, They have done wrong by me. They mock the laws of the land and must be punished. Because their mocking is so great, so shall their destruction!

27 Abraham said, What about the good people? Not sleeping with whores and cheating at cards!

28 The Judge declared, I am destroying them all! Stupid city-slickers.

29 Abraham attempted to talk reason to the lord, Now come on. You are a just judge, Judge. Unlike Judge Pilner, who let the Miller gang go free, again.

30 The Judge cooled his temper and said, You’re right. I will send my two hands into the city and find those who are good.

31 If they find no one I am lighting the fuse. Those whom are good shall be found and safe, if they follow the will of my hands.

32 The Judge lifted his finger toward the town of Boulder. His riders mounted their horses and galloped into the coming night.

33 The judge turned to Abraham, he said, Let what will happen be a lesson to you as well Abraham, do not mock me or my laws.

Genesis 11

1 The Judge’s Riders entered Boulder in the middle of the night. Lot was at the gate of the city trying to sell hides to merchants leaving for faraway lands.

2 Lot saw the Judge’s Rider. He knew it was them from the cow-hide dusters they wore. Lot said, What are you doing here? This is a place of sin? Wait! You come to dispense justice? They’re going to be a hanging?!

3 They replied, Nah, the Judge is done with hangings.

4 Lot coaxed the Riders of the Judge into his house and feed them a decent meal of steak and potatoes.

5 However, after the Judge’s Riders entered the city and the abode of Lot, the guards of the city spread word of two mysterious riders with fancy coats.

6 Within hours of their arrival, all the people of Boulder, and many from Firestone, enveloped house of Lot. They banged on his door and made demands.

7 They said, give us the two riders you have in your house for they have the nicest dusters we’ve heard about and we wish to take them and wear them.

8 Lot said, I beg you, leave my guests alone and let me make you jackets for free. I deal in hides and I can make you fine leather.

9 The Mob said, open the door, lot! We do not want your crummy leather, we want those two fine skins those riders are wearing.

10 Lot spoke, how do you even plan to share two coats amongst you? You are many and they are two?

11 A single voice rose from the crowd, We got that all worked out: Karl and lenny here, they get the coats on the first Monday of every alternating month; Bruce and Malden get the coats the first Mondays of the month Karl and Lenny do not have it; unless it is a holiday, then Mitch and Phil get the coats because they are trying to impress the saloon waitress…

12 The explanation went on for some time but they had, in fact, organized a way for 200 people to share two well-made coats equally.

13 The two Riders knew that there was only one way out of this situation.  They moved Lot from the door and told him to follow close.

14 The Riders said, do not stray or look back toward the city. Its rivers will run red with blood and black from powder.

15 Lot gathered his wife and children. The Riders shouted, you got one chance to clear a path; for if you stand in our way only bullets shall you receive.

16 The Riders kicked the door off its hinges, and began sending lead into all that block their path. Their speed was so quick the sound of reloading could not be heard.

17 They fought down street after street, making their way to the gates of Boulder. Blood, brains, and bullet casings littered the ground.

18 Once the Riders and the family of Lot made it past the gates, they signaled The Judge to light the fuse.

19 The fuse carried the will of the Judge down the hill and under the city. A fiery explosion killed all the Riders had not.

20 Lot and his family ran as fast as they could to escape the fires but Lot’s wife turned to see the destruction and a barrel of salt fell from the sky and crashed onto her.

21 Lot rushed to her but all he could find in the rubble was a pile of salt and wood.

22 Lots daughters grabbed their father and forced him up and onward to the land of Fort Collins.

23 There they lived for many years with no cattle but with a nice field with cabbage, carrots, and potatoes.
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