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The Bible Goes West: The Return of Jacob & Battle of The Clans

Genesis 16

1 Jacob turned in the mauled body of The Stranger and his reward were great.

2 Word of his catch went far and wide. In only two days, the news of Jacob’s actions reached the wives hunting him.

3 Rachel said to the others, Looks like our husband is wealthy and in a nearby town. Let us go to him and say hello.

4 The Wives rode throughout the day and night. The rush of the hunt kept them awake like good Bolivian marching powder.

5 They reached the town and setup station at all the entrances, keeping a good eye out for their runaway husband. Good, old fashion, robbery and murder was on their mind.

6 Around little after sundown Jacob made himself known to the town. He cried out for drink and company.

7 Jacob erupted from the inn with great gusto; a smile on his face and money in his pocket, his new spurs jingle-jangled all the way to the saloon.

8 Leah was the first to see him. Her bubbling rage made her movements rash and almost gave her position away. Luckily a young strumpet caught Jacob’s eye and focused his attention.

9 Leah followed her husband to the fanciest saloon in town. His appearance garnered cheers from the patrons of the bar. They knew his drunk ass was going to spend way too much money.

10 Leah gathered the other wives and together they came up with a plan.

11 They would pay one of the ladies of the saloon to go home with Jacob. Once distracted by the young flesh he lusted after, The Wives would enter from the window and door thus blocking his escape.

12 As they predicted, Jacob fancied one of the ladies. The Wives found the woman and persuaded her, with a good sum of money, to become intimate with him.

13 After a night of drinking, Jacob was ready to know this young thing. He gathered his things, took a blue pill, and left with the young lady, his Wives in tow.

14 Jacob was lost in the body before him as he entered his inn. He did not notice the two other women following them. He entered his room without noticing the two gunslingers outside his window. He was only looking to breed.

15 Once the young woman had stripped Jacob of clothes and weapon The Wives made their entrances.

16 Female Billy and Zippy crashed through the window; Leah and Rachel kicked open the bedroom door.

17 A naked Jacob screamed, IIIIEEEEEEEEEE

18 Zippy hit him in the dick to stop the fearful cry. Jacob dropped to the ground. Rachel paid the young lady a bonus, telling her to forget what she saw.

19 The four women moved on Jacob. First Leah punched him in square in the face followed by the slap of a gun barrel from zippy. Female Billy grabbed him by the throat and threw him on the floor.

20 Rachel spoke, she said, Howdy husband. It seems you have come upon good times.

21 Jacob said, Hello.

22 Rachel continued, we have been hearing some mighty great things about you. Word on the range is that you collected on the Bounty of He Who Wears The Golden Duster.

23 Rachel went to Jacob’s closet. There she found many a nice jacket and a large bag filled with bank notes. Rachel took the treasure out of the closet and threw it to her allies.

24 Female Billy said unto Jacob, What do we have here? Payment for having your children? It seems a little shy. Female Billy struck Jacob with her gun.

25 The Four Wives of Jacob had toyed with him long enough. Zippy threw a long and thick rope over the ceiling support beam. The other Wives forced Jacob on a chair and strung the rope around his neck.

26 Jacob said, Listen, I messed up. I’ll do anything to make it up to you all. Do you want our children to grow up without a father?

27 Leah spoke, In your absence we bonded over blood and your betrayal. We have talked and we have decided that while the children will have no father, they will have four mothers that love them more than their father.

28 Jacob accepted his fate and without fight he lowered his head and closed his eyes. His Wives pointed their guns at a leg of the chair and began to count down from ten.

29 Birds chirped outside the widow and talk of commerce emanated from the lobby of the Inn. The world did not care about the death of Jacob. Poo-Tee-weet

30 The women reached the count of one and each cocked their gun. They fired as a cannon ball crashed through the roof saving Jacob and throwing everyone aside.

31 Outside, Esau stood proud and overlooking the carnage he caused. He yelled, clan of Jacob! You are on my land. I told you never to return. Now feud!

Genesis 17

1 Esau’s cannon ruptured the Inn where Jacob and his wives were conducting business.

2 Esau said, I told you to get, Jacob. Now you are in my lands with your many concubines. This is an affront to our father and our family.

3 Leah, who raised five children on her own was weary of being called a whore, she erupted with a flurry of shotgun blasts and words.

4 Leah said, I am sick and tired of everyone calling me a whore. Prepare to die, pig!

5 Zippy and Female Billy joined their sister wife in sending lead toward the posse of Esau.

6 Rachel picked up Jacob. She handed him a gun and said, You’ve been the slime of humanity for a long time; at least in the eyes of your wives. Now is your time to not be such a failure and stand with your women against your brother.

7 Jacob said, I am not really good at firing a gun.

8 Before he could show her his accidental, self-inflected, gunshot wound, Rachel threw him up and toward a window for better view of the action.

9 Rachel continued, shoot the clan of Esau dead. They have trespassed against us. Now we trespass all over them. Fire!

10 The Ladies let out a frightening scream and sent fiery lead out. Jacob settled himself and pointed his gun out the window, hoping to hit Esau and end this. He Fired.

11 Jacob’s bullet flew from the barrel and into a nearby waiter’s leg. The Waiter was smoking a cigar while on brake. He looked up at where the bullet came from and caught eyes with Jacob.

12 Jacob looked around nervously. He quietly said sorry and backed away from the window. The Waiter angrily hobbled his way to the doctor.

13 The fighting was getting fierce and Jacob attempted another shot. He lined up his sights on Esau and closed his eyes, praying to hit his target. He fired.

14 Jacob’s bullet flew from his barrel, past Esau and into the shoulder of the Mayor, who was giving a speech to the town. The Mayor’s bodyguards gathered around the frightened mayor.

15 The Mayor cried out, I’ve been shot by my constituents!

16 Jacob dropped the gun, not wanting to shoot anyone else by accident, but when the gun hit the ground hit fired and sent a bullet into the arm of the inn manager.

17 He was going to see what all the noise was about and quickly turned around when hit.

18 He said, I see you guys are busy, I’ll come around later.

19 Eventually the Wives of Jacob were able to cause Esau’s line to break and he retreated.

20 He said, prepare for feud, Jacob. This is my land, given to me by our father. You shall not gain another inch in this territory.

21 I’ll send body after body after you. My ranch is great and the hands owe me many favors. You will kill one of my men and then bam! Another one will be in your closet.

22 Kill that one and one will be in your sock drawer. If you happen to get that one, I’ll have a man waiting in your bathtub. The line will never stop.

22 Should we die of old age, I’ll instruct my clan to take out bounty after bounty against your kin. We will make it a real shady bounty too; It will say “Wanted: Dead” followed by the picture of one of your children or something.

23 The point is, The war is on, brother. The war is on.

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