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The Bible Goes West: Kill-ology of the West & the Funeral of Jacob

The Bible Goes West, By Me, J.E. Tucker.

Vanquish-ology of The West and The Funeral of Jacob

Genesis 18

1 With all the bodies piling up, the clans of Jacob and Esau decided to record who shoot who.

2 The deaths were many and gruesome; the survivors were even more gruesome with their holes in their face and missing limbs.

3 What Follows is the Vanquish-ology of The West

4 The first to die was Esau’s niece, Brandine. In response to Brandine’s death the clan of Esau killed Jacob’s friend, Pete Spuckler.

5 Maw took out Pete Spuckler with a long range shoot on a sunny day. She just started to celebrate the tough shot when Merl come up behind and shot her like a coward.

6 Dia Betty enacted revenge upon Merl but Gummy Sue evened the score with a slug from a shot gun.

7 Normal Head Joe finished Big Head Todd, and Tiffany brought death to Designated Dorothy

8 Heather avenged Big Head Todd and Cody got Tiffany.

9 Romeo and Juliet fell in love but when the two families found out about their love they ended up killing each other; because of the teenage angst or something stupid.

10 There was a short lull in the combat, during which bridges were built between the lands. They were almost complete when Jacob’s bumbling grandson Jordan crashed his carriage into the bridge support destroying all the good work.

11 Taylor, main designer of the bridge, found Jordan and shot him dead in the street. Brittany, Jordan’s wife, took up his gun and got returned violence to Taylor. This, of course, started the feud anew.

12 The youngens now joined the fray; the old men and women of Jacob and Esau dead from old age and syphilis.

13 Wesley was the first to strike; filled with stories of bravery and action from his grandfather Jacob. He shot Rumer while Rumer was entering the General market on the Jacob side of town.

14 Scout rushed to his brother and with Rumer’s gun he got Wesley and his sister Cassidy.

15 The smallest youngen of Esau, Zoe, would not let this stand and with her 4-year-old hands picked up cold iron and erupted it at Scout; hitting him square between the eyes.

16 Chloe was Jacob’s  youngest youngen and it was her job to take the fight to Esau’s door. And she did.

17 The 3, and 4 month, year-old kid was a knife expert. She was as adorable as the Chucky doll. She stabbed Max real good.

18 She also got the best of Hunter; then snuck into the rooms of Kendall, Noah, Sascha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, and Q-Bert. Slashing them all to ribbons.

19 That little slicer went up and down the ranks of Esau. Until Esau created a super soldier of his own.

20 Rubella Scabies was the little demon. She was not a fighter in the traditional sense but deadly none the less.

21 Phil attempted to kill her but Phil started to cough badly. Soon blood flew from his lips and he fell unconscious and never woke.

22 Birthday came into the room to see Phil fallen. He picked up the child and took him to the house of Jacob to use as ransom.

23 Once Rubella Scabies was on the Ranch of Jacob, a strange illness fell upon the range. Crystal Meth was the first on the ranch to die after Rubella’s arrival.

24 Dubya died next and spread it to his lover, Incest. Their daughter, International Harvester was removed from the house, hoping death would not follow her. Jitney took in International Harvester.

25 One by one, all whom lived with Jitney began to cough. Stabbed In Jail died after three days, followed by the twins, Wheel and Barrel.

26 The twins left a mess when they died. Navel String and Melvis’ beds where covered in the fluids of death.

27 Their sometimes lovers, Mary Not-Quite-Right and Mary Zeke, tried to clean the mess but developed The Cough from their effort. The two women’s brother, Gitmo, visited them numerous times on the request of their grandfather.

28 This is how Jacob contracted the Cough of Death from his grandson and died in the tub, making a gross toxic human stew for his family to find in the morning.

Genesis 19

1 The Family of Jacob was devastated. The weapon of Esau had killed many. The fighting had stopped. Most could only muster the energy to mourn.

2 Jacob had been dead for almost a week and it was time to bury the body.

3 The funeral was modest but had a nice buffet for eating the sorrows away.

4 Jacob’s favorite song filled the air as men and women cried and children who had never known Jacob sat bored.

5 Esau entered the place of mourning. He felt his presence was necessary. The Family of Jacob saw it otherwise.

6 Sure, he was responsible for a great deal of murder, including the death of Jacob; but gosh darn it, Esau was Jacob’s brother and he going to be at his brother funeral.

7 With each row of seats he passed, Esau could hear the sounds of firearms being readied but Esau continued.

8 Esau made it to the casket of Jacob. He said,

9 I am sorry, brother. I never meant to kill you like this. I wanted to leave you dead in the streets not kill you in the sheets.

10 The Clan of Jacob took Esau’s presences as an insult. The larger women and men lifted themselves from their seats and blocked the doors.

11 A tear for his brother was forming in the corner of Esau’s left eye, when he felt the touch of a hand on his shoulder.

12 You best be getting, Rachel said. Your clan is not welcome here, today.

13 Esau turned around. He saw Rachel standing before him with a clan of enemies at her back.

14 Esau said, I am here to mourn my brother, a rival and enemy, but also my brother. I came to shed a tear or two Just like you.

15 Rachel said, You are the catalyst of death for my family. No love do we have for you.

16 Rachel walked to the front of Esau’s enemies. She said to Esau with hands on her guns, We end this today.

17 The piano player stopped playing his lamentful serenade, packed his keys, black and white, into a bag and snuck out of the funeral gathering.

18 Esau drew. His fire pierced the two beside Rachel in the heart.

19 The clan of Jacob returned fury seven fold.

20 The air became filled with smoke and led. Bullets striking down most who peaked their head out.

21 Esau hid behind Jacob’s body, his brother absorbing his families rage.

22 One by one, Esau picked off the clan of Jacob as he used the corpse of Jacob as a shield.

23 Esau made his way to the exit, his dead brother filled with more led than a child that eats paint.

24 Esau dropped his brother and turned to see the destruction he had brought. In front of him lay the dead and wounded of Jacob.

25 Esau said, I came here to pay my respects and your grudge against me made it impossible. I take my leave but know I have won today.

26 Esau’s face exploded off his skull as he ended the statement. He had miscounted the clan.

27 Behind the faceless body of Esau stood a child, no more than four, holding a shotgun; and out of the gun of babes The Clan of Esau lost their leader and went into disarray.

28 The child dropped the gun and went to his momma. She was dead but her purse was open. The young child went in and grabbed a handful of individually wrapped marzipan.

29 His momma was not going to say no to candy today.

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