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The Bible Goes West: Jacob’s Family and Jacob’s fight with the Stranger

The Bible Goes West, by J.E. Tucker

The Family of Jacob and Jacob’s Fight With The Stranger.

Genesis 14

1 Jacob developed a drinking problem.

2 After his claim to the family land was refused, Jacob wondered from saloon to saloon consummating with every whore he could; and some smaller, slower, animals.

3 Jacob found a saloon so sordid you could enter the rear in both saloon and prostitute.

4 He spent many nights exploring many carnal pleasures. Eventually he got to known the women of the brothel by name and one woman well, Rachel.

5 Rachel was one hell of a whore. Knees calloused from use, boobs the size of cannon shot, a butt you could clean your gun on.

6 He kissed her many times on her upper and lower lips. And soon Rachel was with child.

7 Rachel gave birth to Jojo; and then Benji. Jacob loved his family for a few years but drinking and floozin’ caught up with him.

8 Jacob had been foolin’ around with Female Billy and she had two offspring by Jacob: Dan Boy and Droopy face.

9 Jacob was also sleeping with Female Billy’s sister, Zippy. She had that thickness Jacob could not ignore. They had two stupid children named Gad and Asher.

10 Before all this, Jacob already had 5 children with a woman by the name of Leah. Jacob only knew two of their names.

11 One night, after hours of drinking and calling out to young women, Jacob noticed there were many carriages stopped outside his home.

12 Not knowing who was on his property Jacob readied his irons but was too drunk to load them properly.

13 With both guns half loaded, Jacob kicked open his door and began to fire wildly into the living room.

14 He sprayed bullets sporadically, never knowing if his weapons would fire deadly lead or just click, providing no satisfaction.

15 The smoked cleared and there sat Jacob’s five ladies, looking angry as a hog with no slop.

16 Rachel said to Jacob, You lying cheat! And Rachel threw the tea pot at his head, barely missing.

17  Female Billy charged at him, her nails scratching at his flesh exchanging his sin for pain.

18 Zippy followed her sister with a hot-iron and brought it to Jacob’s head.

19 Leah, who had been standing over the violence with great glee, stopped the assault. She walked over to Jacob’s bruised and bloodied body.

20 Leah bent and whispered in his ear, I thought there were no others?

21 She stood straight up and spit in his face. She said to her gang, Finish it.

22 The wives of Jacob moved to end the work they had begun but quick Jacob thought of an excuse.

23 Jacob pleaded, Hey now. I know what you all must be thinking, I am a no good. Maybe even despicable. But what if I were to tell you I was only following the Law of the Judge?

24 Female Billy punched Jacob square in the jaw saying, There has been no law in this land since Abraham spit in God’s general direction after the Judge accused Isaac of being a scoundrel!

25 Zippy followed, Do not lie to us. If you want to live.

26 Jacob continued, I swear! The Judge came down from a great hill and said I must sire as many children with as many women as possible to battle my brother and take claim to his ranch… Yeah. I swear.

27 Rachel said to Jacob, That is very tall tale you are trying to push through the door.

28 She brought her gun to his temple, I would love to believe you my husband but you sit there bloody and bruised with no proof.

29 Jacob spoke, Let me get you proof! I will go to the judge and get an order from his courts to show you.

30 Rachel knew he was lying but beating a wounded man to death was losing its glamour. She talked to the other wives and they agreed to give him one week to acquire a decree from the judge.

31 Jacob left the homestead and went into the wilderness to find the court of the Judge. Jacob’s wives prepared to hunt their shared husband should he fail to return. It was going to be fun.

Genesis 15

1 For three days, Jacob wondered the woods, getting as far as possible from the women he loved.

2 Upon the end of the week, Jacob was many miles from those he wished to flee.

3 Jacob found a saloon on the frontier he had never seen before and decided to get drink.

4 The clientele of the establishment gave the house of liquor a unique musk, strong to Jacob’s nose. He moved to the bar and ordered.

5 A group of natives entered the establishment and sat next to Jacob. They were talking about a bounty which their friends could not complete. A hunt once completed would reward the mighty with a Judge’s ransom.

6 The natives left and Jacob asked the Bartender about the hunt.

7 The Bartender said, up by the cliffs, the ones that look like the face of an old man pooping, is the hangout of a wanted man so bad and great all those whom have tried to collect are dead and buried in the snow.

8 Jacob asked, how do I take part of this hunt? A judge’s fortune would help me with my troubles. I have a few women trying to kill me.

9 The tender replied, I suggest you get a job if you want safe money but if you are willing to risk the danger I will not attempt to stop another fool from bounty. I’ve got people to serve.

10 The pusher of drink reached under the counter and grabbed the last bounty writ and gave it to Jacob.

11 The Bartender said, this is a writ written by the Judge himself. With this you shall have the power to bring in the fugitive, alive or dead.

12 Jacob accepted the note and left to purchase tools for the job. He had little money but the prospect of a fortune caused him to spend what little he had.

13 A cheap firearm was acquired, along with rope. A day of rations and a tarp to fashion a simple tent used up the rest of the Jacob’s funds.

14 The general store clerk tried to talk Jacob out of his adventure but Jacob said to the clerk, I succeed or I die, from bandit or wife.

15 The clerk did not know what that meant and did not want to get involved any further. When Jacob left the store the clerk called his son into the room. He said to his son,

16 Son, You cannot help everyone but you can take their money for goods and services before they die.

17 Jacob left the town and entered the pass which the dangerous villain had token hold.

18 The pass had two massive cliffs on both right and left. Loose rocks fell from the sides as coyotes hunted road runners.

19 Jacob was not sure where to find the bounty and tried to sneak his way through the trail

20 The pass was silent, save for the fauna scurrying around the scene.

21 Two hours into the pass, Jacob came across the signs of a small camp.

22 Evidence of a fire remained, as well as human tracks without a pack animal. The single human tracks went East, into the woods of Jabbok.

23 At the entrance of the dark forest, Jacob found another camp. With ash still warm. In the fire Jacob found the end of a cigar. He brought it to his limps and puffed the cherry to life. Jacob’s pray was close.

24 Not far into the trees there was a small cliff. On it stood a man in a golden brown duster.

25 Jacob said to the man, You be the man on this bounty?

26 Jacob threw the writ to the feet of The Stranger. Without looking at the paper the man said, Yes.

27 He continued, I know you have come to collect on my head. But I warn you, make a move on me and I shall send you to the grave with lead inside. Then I’ll come for your family.

28 Jacob shit himself. Even if he did not want to be with them, he truly wished no harm to his wives and his children.

29 Foolishly, Jacob put his shaking hand on his gun. The rattling on the metal alerted The Stranger to Jacob’s action.

30 The Stranger said, Alright. You have decided your fate, boy. I’ll give you to the count of ten before I put one square between your beady little eyes.

31 The stranger counted up from one. His voice caused Jacob to shake through his whole body. His trembling boot spurs echoed throughout the entire forest.

32 The Stranger was now at five. Jacob kept shaking. In both participates minds, Jacob was a dead man.

33 The Stranger counted reached 10 and he drew on Jacob. Before the hammer could connect with the bullet, a cougar came out of the trees and landed on The Stranger’s neck, killing him instantly.

34 Jacob screamed, Holy shit! And Hid behind a tree. He enemy had been defeated by The West. He was safe from The Stranger. However, the beast was now devouring the proof Jacob needed so badly.

35 The son of Isaac pulled out his gun and aimed it at the animal. He pulled the trigger and missed short by many yards. The lead ball bounced off the rocky ground, scaring the cougar into the wild, but coming back to Jacob and striking him in the thigh.

36 Jacob gathered the body and made his way slowly back to town; and from that day on, Jacob walked with a gansta lean.

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