The Bible Goes West
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
The earth was without form and void and rustled God’s cattle. The spirit of God moved upon the face of the earth; and shot him.
God said, let there be vengeance; and vengeance was reaped.
God saw the vengeance, that it was good. And God divided the right from the wrong.
God called the Right His Riders, and the Wrong His Bounties. And Dusk til Dawn was the first ride.
God said, let there be a line in the dirt and let it divide those who ride with me and those whom cross me.
God made a line with the barrel of his rifle, and seven righteous stepped to his side; from the world of wrong, they soon would right. And it was so.
And God called the righteous Heaven’s Hellions. And Dusk til Dawn was the second ride.
God said, let my bounties gather unto one place, and let a town appear. And it was so.
God called the town Dodge; and gathered together the brush and logs and let a fortification appear; and God saw it was good.
God said, Come forth Cowards, and yield your guns; and if you yield not good fruit prepare to die at the hands of your maker;
And it was so.
The Wrong Brought forth flying lead and God and his riders took cover, and the first lull in fire the Heaven’s Hellions fired upon the farmers of bad fruit, striking them all; and God said that it was good.
And Dusk til dawn was the third ride.
God Said, We ride for justice but have no firmament to give light upon the search, and it was so.
God made two great lights; the Greater Light to help the day search and a lesser light to add in the night hunt.
God placed the lights into the sky and give light to the ride.
And they rode day and over the night, to search for evil to smite: and God saw that it was good.
Dusk til Dawn was the forth ride.
God Said, I’m hungry. Let’s go to the waters and hunt fowl for breakfast; and the fowl flew over head. God shot them from the heavens.
And God created pigs and all the other breakfast meats and slew them for a great meal. And god saw it was good.
God blessed the animals, saying, here is fruit, horse; eat and multiply so we have pack animals to carry the bodies.
Dusk til Dawn was the fifth ride.
God Said, let the ride continue for wicked creatures creepeth upon the earth and do wrong against me. God left some of his riders to hold law at dodge: and it was so.
God made towns to restock the ride, and saloons to give his riders rest, and doctors to carve bullets from flesh: and God saw that it was good.
God said, let us make cowboys in our image, and let them have dominion over the towns, and over saloons, and over the brothels, and over the whole of the west, and every creeping villain upon the desert.
So God created the cowboy in his own image; male and female he created them.
And god blessed them, and said unto them, raise cattle and shoot all who rustle them. Have dominion over your land and over all living on your property.
God said, Here children, I have given you every herb bearing seed to feed your cattle and every tree to hang your hat; to you it shall be a ranch.
And every beast of the earth, protect them from rustlers for they are food and livelihood.
God saw everything that he has made and it was very good.
Dusk til Dawn were the sixth ride.
Thus the heavens and earth were finished, and knew vengeance and law.
And on the seventh day Judge God ended his ride and built a new gun.
And Judge God blessed the gun and sanctified it: because his skill was superb. It was never to jam and quick to reload. And he placed the steel in the town of Dodge.
Judge God then placed the cowboys in Dodge and gave them the great River Colorado and its sister streams.
The first was the Platte, encompassing the Colorado Territory, where Gold would be found and fought.
The name of the second river is Cherry: and it compasseth the whole of Wyoming.
The third river is The Rio Grande which goeth toward the south of Arizona.
Judge God said to man, you may freely eat, drink, and gamble:
But do not cross your fellow cowboy: for in the day thou cross thy fellow rider thou shalt surely be gunned down.
Judge God said, it is not good that the cowboy should be alone. I will make him a partner to ride into the horizon.
And out of the ground, Judge God made a stead man could tame. And brought it unto the ranch’s trail boss: and whatsoever the Trail Boss every living creature, that was the name therof.
The Trail Boss named the cattle, and the fowl, and to every beast of the prairie; but for The Trail Boss no help was found.
The Judge God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the Trail Boss after a hard ride. Judge God took The Trail Boss’ gun.
And the gun, which the Judge God had taken from the cowboy, made a sharpshooting cowgirl and brought her unto the Trail Boss.
And they were without firearms, cowboy and cowgirl, were not ashamed.
Now the gambler was more subtil than any cowboy of Dodge which the Judge God let live in town. He said unto the cowgirl, You are seem like a pretty straight shot. You a gunslinger?
The sharp Shooter said to the serpent, I’m the best shot in Dodge.
But the Judge God has forbid all guns so I cannot practice my skill. For if I had a gun I’d become a rustler.
The gambler said to the cowgirl, You shall not become a rustler unless you want to steal.
For God just doesn’t want you to be better than he. Let me show you where the greatest gun I’ve ever seen is kept. Right here in Dodge.
When the Sharp Shooter was brought to the gun, and that it was pleasant to the eyes and weight perfect in the hand. The gun fired true and she took it to the cowboy and he did see her shot.
And their eyes were opened by her skill. They knew she was good but the cowgirl was the best shot in all of creation and they fashioned holsters to contain the Gun.
The Judge God came to dodge on a cool day: and the Trail Boss and the Sharp Shooter hid their holsters amongst the trash of Dodge.
Judge God called out to the Trail Boss, and said to him, What are these holsters doing in the trash?
The Trail Boss said, I heard some people found the gun and crafted holsters to house the gun. D
Judge God said, who told you about my gun? Hast thou shotten the gun, when I have forbid guns from being shot?
The Trail Boss said, It was the Sharp Shooter who shot the gun, she let me hold it, and I did shoot.
Judge God said to the Cowgirl, What have you done? And the Sharp Shooter said, The Gambler cheated me, and I did shoot.
Judge god found the gambler in the saloon and said unto him, because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and pack animal. Upon your hand I brand you a cheat and distrust you shall meet at the tables all your days.
And I will put feud between Trail Boss and Sharp Shooter, and between your kind shall count to ten before your fire.
Unto the sharp Shooter I will greatly multiply the sorrow and grief from hitting your target. In sorrow, you will never miss; and they will work for the trail boss and shoot for food.
And to the Trail Boss he said, because you fired the gun and crafted holsters to carry the gun, of which I commanded never to be fired again: cursed to till the ground and never ride again all the days of your life.
Thorns and tumbleweed is all you shall harvest and that is all you’ll have to survive.
When you are overworked and thirsty you shall have hard tack to eat until you return to the ground.
Judge God crafted them dusters and hats and clothed them.
Judge God said, behold man is become as one of us, to fire a well-crafted gun and slide it into a holster: and now, lest he put the Gun in his pants could take my life and be the Judge of the Dodge Territory.
So Judge God formed a posse and ran the two out of town.
This was the creation and The Fall.