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Stern German Lady: Advice for Lasting Relationships

The Stern German Lady

Advice for Lasting Relationships: The Bitter Battle

The coupling of two people is the most difficult act humans undertake. Love and hate are two powerful emotions with a confusing property line. Onions are often harvested by hate, even when planted in love. In this new century, events happen quick. I want to tell you my secret for long lasting love; for passion must be rationed like the harvest during winter.

Let me tell you about my love life.

To begin with, I was born in a barn somewhere in the German highlands in 1884. I was married at 13, declared a woman after killing my first rabid wolf. His name was Hans, and I was married to him for 73 years until he accidently drank all the stinging nettle. My husband, not the wolf. I killed the wolf with an ax. I did not name the wolf.

Out of the 73 years of blissful marriage: five of those years were good; 35 were a numb sensation; and 33, Hans and I said not a single word to each other that did not involve the phrase “wolf attack.” It was not a perfect relationship but we managed just fine, until one day he insulted my harvesting of the carrots. The very next day he accidently drank too much stinging nettle.

The good years are always easy. That is why they are good years. The crops don’t fail. The children have not yet been taken by the Pied Piper. Hans had not developed his gambling addiction and sold me to pay off his gambling debts. These years make you feel like you are on top of the world.


Next come what I call, “The Numb Years.” They, too, also pretty easy because you are losing all emotional sensitivity. This is when the rationing of passion really comes into play. You do not want to shoot all your love in one blast from the emotional blunderbuss. Then you will not be able to look past the bad events that will happen during this time. Your partner got you a new plow hitch for the ox but does it really make up for selling you to Herr Muller for a 20 Swiss Francs? In essences, Be numb and say thank you but let them know they will never be forgiven. Their transgression will always be remembered.  Ration your love for the Bad Times.

You will know it is the bad times because you will be physically unable to look your partner in the eyes. Even looking at their ugly face will fill you with hate. Remember the love you have been rationing? Now is the time to use it. Always Remember back to before your partner gained 50 pounds and joined a national pride group. Those were good times and these memories are all you will have between you and mislabeling the stinging nettle jar.

Sometimes the love will fade as it did for me and Hans. I was lucky enough not to fight through a divorce as Hans (and I cannot stress this enough) ACCIDENTALLY drank all the stinging nettle which was mislabeled; accidentally as well.

Love was not always the best to me but I feel if you were not  married as a child to a lowland-man with a gambling addiction you have a good shot of finding someone good for you.

Für weitere Auskünfte stehe ich Ihnen gerne zur Verfügung,

Stern German Lady

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